Sex or Alcohol

I was explaining the results of a recent scientific study to Kellie, hoping that the findings might persuade her to recognize the benefits of more frequent marital relations.  According to the online journal Science, male fruit flies that are denied the opportunity to mate will consume excessive alcohol.

Researches separated 24 male fruit flies into two groups, half of them were further subdivided into groups of four and placed into three separate containers, each with twenty virgins. They were allowed to mate freely for the next few days. (I wonder where you volunteer for the human trials.) The other twelve were each placed in their own container with a single female who had already mated (perfectly replicating married life) and thus rejected all attempts by the male to copulate.  After four days, the exhausted flies and the frustrated flies were placed into a container with two food sources, one of which was laced with alcohol.  All the males showed a preference for the alcohol soaked mash, but the spurned males consumed four times as much.  The scientists concluded that flies, like frustrated men, consoled themselves by getting drunk.

Since I assumed that Kellie would certainly want to lower my risk of becoming an alcoholic, I concluded that there were only two possible courses of action that Kellie might take: she could immediately tear off all her clothes and sacrifice her body for my health, or she could help me assemble my own harem to reduce my desire for alcohol.  But in words of Arlo Guthrie, “there was a third possibility that [I] hadn't even counted upon.”  After delivering my exposition on the study, I asked Kellie, “So what do you think?”

Without even pausing, Kellie deadpanned, “I think you better start drinking.