The New Diet

Taking a vacation, and cruising in particular, can be detrimental to one’s physique. I didn’t do too badly on our last trip; I only gained four-tenths of a pound – each day – for 34 days – for a total weight gain of close to 14 pounds, with most of the damage occurring at my waistline. Kellie’s figure suffered a similar fate, and although the exact numbers remain classified, seeing exactly where she packed on the fat is no secret – most of it landed on her ass. We would love to take even longer vacations, but the risk of diabetes is too high. 

We want to shed our new assets quickly, and while we both enjoy vigorous exercise, we have different methods for controlling our caloric intake. Kellie usually has better self control than I do when it comes to limiting what she eats. She’s good at restricting her portion size, and she can resist desserts and other sweets. Her only weakness – chips: Lay’s Potato Chips, Doritos, Fritos, Cheetos, and any other kind of salty or cheesy snacking goodness. When it comes to food, I don’t have the same will power. If there’s food in the house, I will eat it. The only way I can exercise the requisite self-control is by not bringing the crap into our home in the first place. Kellie has always disagreed with my approach, telling me that it’s a personal problem and that nobody was holding a gun to my head and forcing me to eat. Since she does most of the shopping, there are usually all sorts of bad food choices available just screaming at me to binge. 

Now that Kellie has acquired a new layer of lumpy, squishy padding over her derriere, she is coming around to my way of thinking. This morning, I heard my 14-year-old daughter, Kyra, protesting and whining as Kellie explained that we going to eliminate processed foods from our home. From now on, the family would only be consuming grass fed free ranged meats, organic fruits and vegetables, and water.  No exceptions.  Except, of course, for wine, coffee, and chocolate – we’re not barbarians after all.