The Secret To Having More Sex (With Your Wife)

There's an old joke that goes like this: “How do you stop a girl from having sex.” When telling the joke, you usually pick a descriptive modifier and insert it in front of the word girl to single out the particular ethnic group, religion, or subculture for which you want to display your gross insensitivity.  Also, a graphic expletive typically replaces the word sex, preferably something with a hard “k” sound. It's a well known comedic fact that the “k” sound is naturally funny. That’s why Kellie calls me a dick head instead of a penis cranium.  Although, based upon the principle just stated, penis cranium should be funny too, and dick cranium should be even funnier, but neither phrase rolls off the tongue very well. Interestingly enough, if you say the words dick cranium quickly, it sounds like it could be the name for some rare radioactive element.  But I digress.  Anyway, the joke is a very customizable little gag. The punch line, as many men already know, is: “You marry her.” The humor comes from its near universal truth.

The joke raises an interesting question: Why do women gradually (sometimes not so gradually) loose interest in sex after marriage? A man’s libido doesn’t seem to fade after he makes the transition from sweetheart to husband. Which reminds me, comedian Lou Costello once said, “A husband is what’s left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed.” Of course, this begs the question, who killed the nerve? But I’m getting off track again. The point here is not to assign blame (we already know who’s to blame), but to identify the root cause of the problem and correct it. 

Women don’t actually loose interest in sex after marriage; they just require different motivation to participate. You may need to light a few scented candles, put on a little Kenny G, open up a vintage bottle of Two Buck Chuck, and talk with your wife for a while. (Here's a little note for the womenfolk; this is not the time to talk. It’s not that we don’t want to talk to you, it’s just very difficult for men to concentrate and speak coherently while the brain is being starved for oxygen due to lack of blood.) While the preceding tactics are initially effective, like many husbands, they tend to loose potency over time. 

Around the thirteenth wedding anniversary, an entirely new approach is needed to achieve spousal arousal. Here's the secret to getting that bored housewife to give you that come hither look again: housework. That’s right, I said housework.  There’s nothing that a married woman finds sexier than the sight of her mate doing household chores. Of course, not all chores are endowed with the same power to excite.  Sweeping and moping the floor will only get you to first base, but since you’ve been married for over a decade already, I suspect that you’re looking to score with every chore. Doing laundry will get you a little further. Watching me carry a heavy load of whites, forearms straining, veins bulging, sweat dripping from my brow, gives Kellie goose bumps and sends shivers down her spine. But if I really want to put Kellie in the Meg Ryan mode quickly, nothing makes her hotter and hornier than the sight of me wearing rubber gloves, bent over, elbow deep, splashing around while scrubbing the inside of a dirty toilet bowl. 

This is what I usually look like.

This is how Kellie sees me
when I'm doing housework.
Photo Credit

WARNING:

Men, if you’ve never cleaned a toilet bowl before, practice first. DO NOT make your initial attempt in the presence of your wife. This is an extremely potent aphrodisiac, and if handled improperly, she might become over stimulated and finish without you, defeating the entire point of the exercise.

So there you have it gentleman, the key to unlocking your wife's pent up sexual energy. Now go throw away her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and find out where she hides the toilet brush.