Spousonomics

The book arrived last Monday, the one that promised to help me do less housework, win more arguments, and have more sex. Spouseonomics, by Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson, is no ordinary text on marital relations. This book analyzes marriage with the same scientific rigor and mathematical precision that we've come to expect from economics. By using cutting edge econometrics, couples can look forward to achieving the same sort of results that were once attainable only by top tier corporations like Enron, AIG, and Lehman Brothers.

I opened the book and jumped straight to chapter three: Supply and Demand - Or, How to Have More Sex. If you master that chapter, the rest of the book is superfluous. I thought I would learn techniques that would teach me how to use my superior intellect and in-depth knowledge of economics to manipulate my wife into delivering more of her scarce resources. Unfortunately, Spousonomics wasn’t what I expected. It's not a weapon for achieving marital hegemony, it's more like a guide on how to use economic thinking to resolve common marriage problems. Great! Now I am going to have to teach Kellie about asymmetric information and inter-temporal choice. Celibacy might be easier.

“Look, honey,” I explained, “the problem is that we're dealing with a negative sloping demand function and, like Japan, my economic package is suffering from severe long term deflation. Your job is to provide the stimulus to grow and expand the economy.”

“You’re such a dork,” she snapped, a typical Kellie reply whenever I resort to science and analytics to make my case, but I persevered.

“You have to start thinking more like the Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke. Imagine that I’m Wells Fargo Bank and you're the Federal Reserve discount window. I’m a little hard-up for cash, so I come to you for an overnight liquidity injection.”

“You can't say the word injection in your post.”

"Why not."

"It's too crass, come up with something more cleaver."

"But liquidity injection is a well understood economic term."

"I don't care. Take it out." 

"Fine!" I relented, "I'll just delete that part." Kellie is obviously not a Keynesian.

Her problem is that she’s too much like Warren Buffet. Every transaction becomes a major acquisition requiring weeks of due diligence. She won’t commit to a merger until  she’s evaluated all the risks and benefits. I’m more of a day trader. I just want to hit that market, make a quick score and then withdraw my investment and take a nap.

Kellie made it clear that she wasn't going to handle my business or let me anywhere near her assets until I was more generous with the expense account. That's why we're going to France for two months this summer. Kellie tends to ease her restrictions and adopt a more accommodative position when we travel. I just hope she doesn't implement one of those damn European austerity programs.

Now I know why they call economics the dismal science.
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Hanging out again this week with all the fine ladies (and a few stray dudes) at Yeah Write.