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| Conflicted |
I remember looking up at the big, round stained glass window on the back wall of Saint Rose of Lima. I remember looking down at the clear oak pews. I watched as the priest, standing on marble, held a golden goblet above his head. I watched as adults dropped bills and coins into the collection plate. Something didn't make sense. God didn't need gold chalices or marble alters, but the hungry needed food and the threadbare needed clothing. I couldn't understand why our congregation would spend money on a house of worship while people suffered. It was inconsistent with what I had learned during Saturday catechism class. With only two weeks to go before my Confirmation, I had my doubts. I also had to make a decision.
Before the sacrament could be administered, supplicants were interviewed by a parish priest. Four of us, children, sat in a row of school chairs facing the Father as he asked each of us a question, the same question: "Why do you want to be Confirmed?" I was at the end of the line so I got to hear my friends reply first, all with some variation of "I want to be closer to Jesus." Then it was my turn.
"Why do you want to be confirmed?" asked the priest.
"I don't know," I replied.
"We'll then, maybe you shouldn't be confirmed."
"Okay." The words just slipped out, reflexive, almost like breathing.
If the priest said anything after my response, I didn't hear it. He left. Crap! I was certain he had gone to call my mother to tell her that I was too stupid to be confirmed, that I didn't recognize the right answer even after hearing three times. I didn't know which was going to be worse, going to hell or explaining my apostasy to my mother. Not that it mattered because it appeared that I would be doing both. But the call never happened. On Sunday, dressed in red robe with two white racing stripes, I was confirmed. I guess they figured it was their last chance to save my soul, but except for weddings and funerals, it was also the last time I went to church.
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I recall those catechism classes in preparation for Confirmation. I was voted kid most likely to burn in hell. They might have been right: I was confirmed "Alexander," after my hero Alexander the Great, a pagan. They let me use the name because Alexander was also a pope, a Borgia pope and a very bad one at that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not surprised, Stephen.
DeleteI hope you ask an artist the question of "why all the expense in church worship" at the next crossfit get together ...it makes for a very interesting conversation ;)
ReplyDeletethat comment was made by ann btw - didn't realize it would post as unknown
ReplyDeleteThanks for clearing that up Ann, I was al little confused.
Deletewow. i was waiting for the backlash just like you were. that's what was more shocking than your innocent, child response to confusion. a shame no one took the time to even try to speak with you.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really say anything about the interview to anyone.
DeleteIt was probably for the best that that day you didn't go with "to be closer to Jesus" if the calling for that never had to happen. You just started on a path in the child-like innocence, that you'd have chosen anyway later. I loved the way you told the story here in the post. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteThis is a great story, and I love how you structured it. I wonder what that priest was thinking, and if he would remember that moment today.
ReplyDeleteOh wow. I've had my doubts about church and religion for quite a while too.
ReplyDeleteSome of them manifested recently in this post http://artographja.com/2013/04/19/fuck-god/
Okay, that was pretty raw - but I liked it.
DeleteLove the picture, you look just about as enthusiastic as you were! It is too bad the priest didn't talk to you more about it. The fact that you were really thinking about it instead of going through the motions could have put you in a better place, and the catholic church needs more progressive thinkers! He certainly dropped the ball, but it sounds like it worked out for you.
ReplyDeleteIt all worked out just fine.
DeleteGlad it worked out, but agree with Doina-the priest missed an opportunity to engage in a meaningful discussion about religion and its practice with a kid who wanted to think about his confirmation and not just go through the motions.
DeleteOh, Joe... as a non-Catholic who attended a Catholic elementary school, I thought I was the weirdest kid ever because I became severely agnostic about the time all of my classmates were getting their First Communion. That was my first step toward atheism and I was all of seven. I couldn't reconcile my surroundings, either. For me it was the angels -- why did they all look miserable if they were supposed to be in heaven??
ReplyDeleteNow I'm going to have to back and look at some pictures of angels.
Delete"I didn't know which was going to be worse, going to hell or explaining my apostasy to my mother." Loved that line. It seems to me that they are about the same. Mothers are pretty scary to adolescents.
ReplyDeleteIn hindsight, if I had said anything at all to my mother about this she probably would have been fine with letting me skip the whole thing.
DeleteI was never confirmed. As a child, I did spend 18 months as a choir-boy at the local church (until they discovered I was tone-deaf.
ReplyDeleteSo how did you escape?
DeleteInteresting and I wonder if you ever came up with a reason you wanted to be confirmed? Did you share with others or keep it to yourself?
ReplyDeleteThat's just it, I didn't want to be confirmed, and as I said above, had I even mentioned my doubts to my mother I'm sure she would have let me skip confirmation.
DeleteWell, I never even got that far. Never baptized. I'm a true heathen.
ReplyDeleteAh, Catholicism - those were the days. You look very stylish in your robe.
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ReplyDelete"God didn't need gold chalices or marble alters, but the hungry needed food and the threadbare needed clothing."
ReplyDeleteCouldn't have said it better myself.
What a wise child you were to notice those descrepancies at such a young age. I bet your mom would have been proud of you. I know I would have been.
ReplyDeleteI sort of lost my faith in organized religion when I was in the junior congregation and was told I wasn't "a real Jew" because I wasn't fluent in Hebrew. So I think I understand the disconnect you felt at that time. It does seem strange that there was no further discussion though.
ReplyDeleteI had a very similar experience right before my confirmation. And after, come to think of it.
ReplyDeleteMy kid had a similar answer. His father insisted he make his confirmation ... I decided he didnt need to but he compromised to satisfy his dad. He didnt tell him what saint name he chose and his dad never asked. So when he said BLAZE to the Bishop (st. blaze was the saint having to do with speaking in tongues) I thought my ex was gonna sieze. We had an awesome cake at the celebration...flambe!
ReplyDeleteAgh, that must've taken guts! I'd have been so scared!
ReplyDeleteI went through a similar process, but it took me a lot of extra years. It's sad that the priest missed an opportunity to have a real conversation with you.
ReplyDeleteLapsed Catholic here too - just "came out" to my 76yo mom this weekend as an atheist; took me a long time to claim that label as my own. I remember that confirmation robe, plus we made our own stoles and had to embroider crosses and doves and Holy Spirit flames onto them. It's probably still around, somewhere.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember being asked that question, but I'm pretty sure I'd have answered the same way. I'm a recovering Catholic now. So many inconsistencies and so much that doesn't make sense.
ReplyDeleteSo many dichotomies. I remember being asked that question and I'm sure I gave the same exact answer they told me to give. I'm sure I wasn't thinking about the disparities then but I sure do now. My kids were confirmed years ago and they brutally switched the timing until sophomore year. I think they caught on that as soon kids were confirmed they would go off.
ReplyDeleteI think he changed the end of the story. I doubt the priest just walked away.
ReplyDeleteI certainly didn't mean to imply that he just stood up and walked away. As I said in post, "If the priest said anything after my response, I didn't hear it." What's implied is that I was lost in my own thoughts. Whether he walked away or not is not relevant. What is relevant is that after I expressed my doubts and agreed to his suggestion that I not be confirmed, he did not press me further or stop me from being confirmed, which would have been appropriate.
Delete