Take Two Of These And Call Me Johnny Depp

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When Kellie and I first met, I barely needed the fingers on one hand to count the days between conjugal visits. I still use my hands to mark the time between copulations but in a totally different way. There’s an old joke that I’m sure you’ve heard. How do you stop a woman from having sex? You marry her. Scientists have long known the cause of this problem, it’s called H.S.D.D., or hypoactive sexual-desire disorder, and the pharmaceutical industry, which has been working feverishly to rid the globe of this scourge, may soon market a magic pill that accomplishes for women what Viagra has done for men. Fifty years from now, the Rolling Stones song Mother's Little Helper will have a totally different meaning.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved Viagra over 15 years ago. Why is taking so much longer to develop a similar remedy for women? Men are simple creatures: we have only two physiological states, we’re either hungry or we’re horny. If we’re not chomping on a sandwich and you don’t see a tent pole in our pants, we obviously have a problem. You could try giving us muffin to munch on, but if that doesn’t work it means that there's a clog in the pipes and we require medication to clear the plumbing. The lack of female desire is more complex. The problem is psychological and may be caused by sexual boredom stemming from monogamy. This might explain Kellie's incessant and  unsuccessful attempts to transform me into Johnny Depp's twin. 

A new pill called Lybrido is currently in clinical trials and initial reports indicate that it is very effective at producing female arousal. Possibly too effective, and that has pharmaceutical executives worried. Will the FDA approve a pill that turns women into raving hordes of nymphomaniacs? I think it’s a risk worth taking. Even if the worst happens, think of the benefits. Men would be so busy satiating the female sexual appetite that wars would cease, food demand would plummet and we could end world hunger.

An article in the New York times suggests that men “might not be so happy about the reminder, as their partners reach for the pill bottle, that their women need chemical assistance to want them." I don’t see this as any different from plying women with alcohol to lower their inhibitions (and their standards). Even with ample alcohol, I still need a cruise ship and a pocket rocket to put Kellie in the mood. A pill certainly seems easier and probably much cheaper.

I’ve tried many different techniques to make myself seem more desirable. Housework is an effective aphrodisiac, but I still have my pride and there’s a limit to what I’m willing to do for sex? Chocolate and candles don’t produce consistent results and begging is seldom a turn-on. I even bought a poster of Jonny Depp for our bedroom ceiling, but I decided to test its potency by hanging it in our laundry room first. I’m not sure how to interpret the results. Ever since that poster went up we’ve been plagued by unbalanced loads during the spin cycle. I now frequently find Kellie straddling a thumping washing machine, breathlessly trying to hang on until it finishes the load.

It could take years before the FDA approves a drug for female sexual dysfunction. I’ll be following the Lybrido study closely at ClinicalTrials.gov. Maybe I can get Kellie enrolled in the next phase of the trial; I hope they don't give her the placebo. Until then, I think I’ll do my own laundry.
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