The Real Problem With Marriage Equality

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I could feel the bile creeping up the back of my throat as I realized that Pat Robertson was right. Same-sex marriage will destroy the traditional family and lead to the disintegration of civilization, but not for the fellatious reasons he typically tries to ram down our throats. Homosexuality won't lead to polygamy, bestiality or pedophilia; it won't cause birth rates to plummet and populations to collapse, and I doubt that fire and sulfur will rain from the heavens and destroy us in a Sodom apocalypse. The real path to our demise is much more insidious.

Happily married heterosexual males, like me, rely on gay men to talk with our wives and escort them to activities that we would rather avoid. Without gay support, we would be compelled to take our wives to broadway shows and chick-flicks, go to fondue parties and listen to them talk about their menstrual cycles. As society increasingly accepts homosexuality, gay men are choosing to spend more time with their own boyfriends and spouses rather than fulfilling the mission God intended for them: caring for the emotional needs of our wives, a chore most straight men are ill equipped to perform.

Same-sex marriage has only been approved in a few states and I can already feel the impact in my own home. My wife has always had at least one gay boyfriend, but her last cubby moved to the East Coast months ago, leaving me without gay backup. I’ve been forced to fill the void. Last week I had to accompany Kellie to White House Black Market where she modeled clothes and then asked for my opinion. Apparently, "not enough cleavage" isn't considered useful feedback. She also purchased a Groupon for dance lessons. I resisted at first, but when I discovered that dance studios harbor a secret supply of gay men, I agreed to a membership on the spot. I assumed that after a few lessons she'd make a new friend and I'd be off the hook. After we joined, I learned that Fred Astaire Dance Studios have a strict no fraternization policy. Maybe I should renew my YMCA membership.

As a last resort, Kellie might be trying to make me gay. She's already given me several man bags and a murse. Under normal circumstances I would only use these while traveling in Europe, though lately I've been carrying them around SoCal. She's also been trying to get me to wear manpris. And now I'm beginning to suspect that our trip to France this summer is just a ruse to immerse me in a culture where the conversion process will be easier. Next she'll be demanding that I watch reruns of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

I need to find a new gay boyfriend – for Kellie. Traditional marriages like mine cannot survive if husbands are forced to spend more time with their wives. Same-sex marriage threatens the delicate symbiosis between gay men and straight couples that took millions of years to evolve. Fortunately, there may be a workable compromise. We could grant same-sex couples marriage equality if gay men promise to continue servicing our women. We're not asking for much, it's not like we want them to have sex with our wives, just a couple of dates each week. We could even set up a website, something akin to bridal registry, where gay men list the services they are willing to perform and straight men sign up for whatever sort homosexual relief they need. It’s a win-win that even Pat Robertson could get behind. 
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