BREAKING NEWS: Candidate Says He's Not A Weiner

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NEW YORK–In an effort to head off yet another scandal, Anthony Weiner, the disgraced politician who thrust himself into the political orgy otherwise known as New York City’s mayoral race, held a press conference today outside The Pleasure Chest in West Village.

The candidate told a stunned press corps that Anthony Weiner is not his real name. 

“My birth name,” declared a contrite Weiner, “is Anthony Woodcock.” I changed it for political purposes. I felt that the name Woodcock made me appear stiff and rigid, unappealing qualities for a politician who might need to shift positions frequently. I chose the name Weiner because it conveys a softer stance, suggests flexibility, and recognizes the inevitability of compromise.” 

Asked by reporters if he had considered any other names, possibly something less phallic, the deflated Weiner responded, “No, I felt it was necessary to at least honor the spirit of my given moniker. After searching the Internet, I came up with a list that included names like: Johnson, Hambone, Lollypop and other euphemisms for male genitalia. I then assembled a team of twelve female Facebook friends who repeatedly massaged the list until the eventual winner popped out.

At the end of the news conference, a reporter from The Onion asked, “Your staff is clearly spent from the constant flagging you’ve taken in the media. Would you ever consider pulling out?” 

“Never,” shouted the unbending Weiner. “I’ve come too far to blow it now.”
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I know this post is not a typical Kellie's World piece, but The Onion doesn't accept unsolicited submissions, and I already ventured into the realm of investigative journalism with Wednesday's post, Six Degrees of Senator Al Franken. 

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