The Menopause Bomb

Credit: James Cridland

Over the past few weeks, one of my older posts, The Thermodynamics of Menopause, has been getting flooded with hits from the Ukraine. That post explained how my wife’s 35,000 hot flashes released energy equivalent to 4,809 sticks of dynamite. There’s only two possible explanations for the sudden Ukrainian interest in Kellie’s World: They're either having a global warming induced menopause crisis and they’re looking for expert help, or terrorists working out of the former Soviet Republic are trying to weaponize menopausal women. I hope that I wasn’t the cause of those recent terror warnings that lead to the closure of several U.S. Embassies across the Middle East.

Kellie’s hot flashes occurred over a three year period, limiting the instantaneous energy release and thus minimizing collateral damage. I was the only one hurt. If terrorists could somehow synchronize the hot flashes of 35,000 women, they would possess a powerful explosive capable of evading any current detection technology. To effectively combat this new threat we need to assess which targets are most vulnerable. 

This new explosive cannot bring down an aircraft since few planes are capable of carrying enough passengers to achieve detonation. At worst, the cabin might get a little warm. Cruise ships, however, are more vulnerable. The largest vessels can carry over 5000 passengers, half of whom are presumably women. Fortunately, the average age of cruise ship passengers is over 80, well past menopause, and any attempt to fashion an improvised explosive device from these women would be a dud.

The most likely target for a weapon of mass deovulation is sports stadium, some of which can hold over 100,000 people. With a capacity of 150,000, Rungnado May Day Stadium in North Korea appears vulnerable, but it’s probably safe since average life expectancy there is so short few women live long enough to reach menopause. 

I’m much more concerned about the risk to venues here in the United States. The largest stadiums in this country host collegiate football teams. Luckily, most college girls are premenopausal and their explosive potential has not yet fully matured, and while 40,000 wild, screaming, drunken coeds might make middle-aged men worry about a premature detonation, I doubt there’s any real risk of getting blown away. 

Professional sports venues are another matter. MetLife Stadium, home of the New York Giants, has a capacity of 82,500. It’s clearly large enough to assemble a critical mass of menopausal women. Given the Giants’ dismal performance last season, forlorn husbands might use their wives to assemble a domestic device and eliminate two disappointments in a single strike. 

I’m expecting a knock on my door any minute now from National Security Agency officials. If the PRISM surveillance program failed to detect the subversive nature of my thermodynamics post, this one will undoubtedly get caught. 
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