Foot Orgasm - A Dutch Treat

Photo Credit: Philip Leara

By now I probably have the husbands out there thoroughly confused. First I said that doing housework was the key to getting more sex, and then I said that doing less housework was the way to go. From the feedback I've received it's obvious that neither strategy is particularly effective, which begs the question: Is there any sure fire way for a husband to put his wife in the mood? Fortunately, there is one aphrodisiac that never fails. It's called a cruise ship. There's something about undulating on the high seas that brings out a woman's inner Jenna Jameson. That's why in less than two weeks Kellie and I will be departing for our sixth cruise this year. 

For the few of you who work for stingy employers whose corporate policies don't allow six vacations per year, there is one last thing you can try. Give your wife a foot massage. This approach isn't based upon the unproven assumption that sweet, romantic gestures will put your wife in an amorous mood; there's modern, cutting-edge, medical science behind this recommendation. 

If you recall from your high school biology class, the sensory nerves from a woman's feet join the spinal cord at about the same level as the nerves from her genitals, and the regions of the brain that process sensory signals from these two areas are adjacent to one another. Once you get those foot synapses firing there's a good chance of stimulating the adjoining area that controls her vajayjay. This could explain why some women like to have their toes sucked. 

Rubbing her feet is a stealthy maneuver, too. If you were to, say, place your hand on her inner thigh, you'd immediately give away your intent and she'd likely tell you that she's not in the mood. A foot massage, on the other hand, is about as far away from her erogenous zone as you can physically get, but neurologically speaking you're sliding into second base.

If you think this idea is a bit far fetched, consider the story of a 55 year-old Dutch woman who went to her doctor with an unusual complaint. She was having multiple unwanted orgasms that originated in her left foot. (I'm not sure why this is even considered a problem. If men were so afflicted we'd be hopping around like mad, one-legged kangaroos.) 

Be careful where you place

the electrodes. Photo credit:

Massager Machines & More

To study her condition, researches attached a transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) unit to her left foot. Turing on the voltage produced an instantaneous orgasm that shot up her leg to her vajayjay.  When they placed electrodes next to her promised land, it produced an immediate orgasm that traveled back down to her toes. (Sounds like a fun research facility.) Her doctors surmised that her problem was caused by some crossed nerve signals and a strategically placed spinal anesthetic cured the problem.

I'm a man of science and I like to perform my own experiments. I still have a TENS unit that my doctor gave me for pain relief when I had adhesive capsulitis in my left shoulder. Over breakfast, I explained the Dutch woman's orgasmic condition to Kellie and asked her if she wanted to explore the frontiers of medical science. She told me it sounded like something we should try on a cruise ship.
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