John Hutchison's Ray Guns Redux

The Ray Gun

Kellie is back home in Oceanside, California, and I’m alone in Gold Beach, Oregon, trying to quell my neighbor’s ray guns. Since they first showed up next to our vacation rental property with their ray guns mounted on top of an old, white sheriff’s bus, they have been busy establishing a more permanent setup. They are remodeling their building, formally a small storage facility, into a laboratory with personal living quarters for self proclaimed scientist John Hutchison and his lovely wife Nancy. It looks like they are spending a good deal of money. I never knew crazy was so lucrative. 

The Ray Gun's New Home

For those of you who are unfamiliar with John Hutchison and are too lazy to read my previous post, John claims to have discovered a variety of physical phenomena, which he understandably calls the Hutchison Effect. The Hutchison Effect can counteract gravity, neutralize radioactivity and provide free energy. Oh, I almost forgot, it was also responsible for cleaning the Gulf of Mexico after the Mercado oil spill. As a bonus, his radioactivity neutralizing ray gun also improves the weather. It’s because of it’s ability to control the weather that he refuses to publish the precise details about how his ray gun technology works. They are using the ray gun to rid the Pacific Ocean of radioactivity released from the “extinction level event” generated by the nuclear reactor accident in Fukushima, Japan.

I shit you not, look it up, but my neighbors have formed an Oregon non-profit corporation called Life Ray (get it). Oregon should change their license plate motto from We Love Dreamers to We Love Those With Diminished Mental Capacity. I wanted to move to Oregon, I love it there, but I'm staying in California; at least I understand the SoCal psychosis.

According to the great scientist’s wife, Nancy:

“Life Ray will use technology that converts radioactive materials into inert elements. The theory underlying the technology is that all matter is energy that pulsates. Radioactive elements vibrate at a distorted frequency as they are trying to stabilize. Technology can supply the pulsations that radioactive materials need to stabilize. The technology used by Life Ray utilizes a computer that outputs vibrational tones along a speaker wire. The tones are then fed into vacuum radio tube radio frequency generators and amplifiers. The wire carries the signals to interferometers and an amplifier. The signals transmute radioactive elements into inert elements which are harmless.”

If you don’t have a degree in physics, like I do, let me explain what Nancy is saying - it’s bullshit. The vibrational tones she mentions are usually mixed with music, frequently The Beatles. 

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away / Now it looks as though they’re here to stay / Oh, I believe in yesterday”

They have the bass turned up so high that no matter what they play, it penetrates your bones. I want to punch somebody. It takes a bottle of wine a day just to calm me down (which doesn’t seem to be working at the moment).

All of this would be so fucking funny if were happening to you, but it’s not. It’s happening to me and I’m fucking pissed. Normally I’d say I’m F%@%#$& pissed, but I’m too fucking pissed to redact the fucking expletives.