A Problem Of Biblical Proportions

It’s bad enough when your vacation home sits next door to a man who believes he invented a combination ray gun and sound system that neutralizes radioactivity from the reactor accident in Fukushima, Japan. It's an entirely different problem when his wife claims that she and her husband are the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. I’ve written about my neighbor John Hutchison and his ray guns before; you can read about it here, here, and here, but I recently discovered this biblical gem by his wife Nancy on a message board at the Cosmic Token:

"John's family is native American on his mother's side, and Scottish on his father's.
Both his father (and lineage) were Knights Templar.
My father's family was Knight's Templar.
And we both are on the bloodline of the the [sic] dude they call Jesus and Mary Magdalene."

Holy crap! That’s a lot of blaspheme. I’m an atheist and even I wouldn’t engage in that much heresy. She apparently gets her dogma from The Da Vinci Code. If I’m not mistaken, the Vatican has yet to canonize Dan Brown’s novel.

On the message boards, Nancy repeatedly refers to Christ as the dude they call Jesus. Why? According to Nancy, Jesus is not his real name.

"The word 'Jesus' translates into 'Hail Zeus'.
There is a reason the dude's name was changed.
And there are many things that were put into the 'Bible', that were not in the original documents.
The name change is just one of many of these changes. 'Quotes of what supposedly the Jesus dude said, those were added." 

I’m sure the Jesus Dude is not too happy with the medieval scribes who put words in his mouth. You'll notice that I capitalized Dude, which seems appropriate when discussing the top Dude. I’m just glad Nancy has the original biblical documents to set us all straight. I wasted my time reading the King James version.

John Hutchison isn't Nancy's only celestial coupling. Her first husband was a decedent of the Ark Dude.

"before I married John, I was married to Lazarayn, an Armenian'
he used to speak about the Caucasian Mountains
that his people are direct descendants of Noah
that Noah's Ark is on Mount Ararat..used to be Armenia, now Turkey"

I just have one question: Are they still called the Caucasian Mountains after the snow melts? Maybe she meant the Caucasus Mountains, but they're not in Turkey. Who knows, maybe the Hutchison Effect can move mountains too.

Elsewhere on the Cosmic Token Nancy points out:

"BTW--ever notice the crown of thorns on the Jesus dude as a Caduceus coil?"

This requires some explanation since I doubt many people are familiar with a Caduceus coil. Pictures might be helpful. 

Crown of Thorns

Caduceus Coil

A Caduceus coil is made by winding an electrical conductor, usually copper wire, around a core in pattern that allows  current to flow in opposing directions. Looking at the pictures above I can see why Nancy believes that the crown of thorns resembles a Caduceus coil, but so what? Well, the pseudoscientific community attributes a variety of strange phenomena to the Caduceus coil, including levitation. Nancy didn’t explain the significance of a Caduceus crown, but I suspect she's trying to tell us something about one of the central mysteries of the Christian faith–the resurrection of Jesus. Pump enough electricity through a Caduceus crown and you could conceivably levitate a body into the stratosphere. With that much current flowing through the copper wiring it would certainly glow, producing a brilliant halo. This of course begs the question of how anyone generated electricity in the year 30 AD, but a divine lightening bolt easily solves that conundrum. 

Several year ago, Nancy's husband participated in an effort to recreate the Ark of the Covenant. Once it was complete he hooked it up to a transformer and delivered 50,000 volts of electricity. The Ark arced and spontaneously combusted, destroying his "radio for speaking to God." The channel to heaven wasn't lost for long because Nancy is a consecrated conduit to the Almighty.

"There is an intelligence that created this physical realm.
I am a narcissist, and believe I am a conduit to that intelligence, 'the Creator','God' whatever you are comfortable calling 'it'. "

Now whenever John wants to speak with God all he has to do is tune his wife's knobs to the right frequency. 

You can visit John and Nancy's website and hear for yourself just how noisy neutralizing radiation can be. The neighbors just want the Hutchisons to be quiet. With all Nancy's divine connections you would think she could shutdown the radiation remediation equipment and ask God to clean up the radioactivity.