Saturday evening, Kellie dragged my butt to the theater to see the movie John Carter. I didn’t find the trailer all that interesting, and I didn’t want to go, but I acquiesced to her wishes. The movie was just okay, and it didn’t take me too long to recognize why she wanted to see the film. The leading male character, John Carter, played by actor Taylor Kitsch, spent most of movie flexing, clothed in little more than rags and scraps of leather.
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According to Redbook, there are nine specific habits that successful couples practice to help make their marriages more "intimate and resilient" and reduce the chances of divorce. I have already written posts about many of Redbook's recommended behaviors, which must explain why Kellie and I do so well together. Here’s a summary on how we practice each of these habits.
1. They use terms of endearment
I call her Smellie and she refers to me as geek, dork, and nerd. Also included in this category: assigning pet names to your spouse’s intimate body parts. Kellie and I don’t that, unless her calling me an asshole qualifies.
Last May I had spine surgery to remove two degenerative disks from my neck that were bulging into my spinal cord and pressing on the C6 nerve root for my right arm. My doctor implanted an artificial disk between the C5 and C6 vertebrae and fused the C6 and C7 vertebrae.
Tonight is Kellie’s least favorite night of the year; the time change makes her lose an hour of sleep. Then she spends the next day asking, "What time is it?"
One week before your colonoscopy you're supposed to eliminate all nuts, beans, seeds or seed products from your diet. I forgot. To compensate, my doctor had me start my liquid diet yesterday, one day early. That means I'll go two full days without eating prior to my procedure tomorrow morning. I started becoming disagreeable after about six hours without any solid food, so Kellie decided to keep her distance from me.
Kellie just laughed and teased me when I got my first letter from AARP, but when I received mail from Smart Cremation, Kellie starting asking about the status of my life insurance policy.
men·o·pause /ˈmenəˌpôz/
Noun:
- The period in a woman's life (typically between 45 and 55 years of age) when fertility ends, caused by the:
- The termination of ovulation, resulting in:
- The cessation of menstruation, leading to:
- A stagnation of fornication, producing:
- Male desolation, desperation, and masturbation.
Noun:
- The sentence at the end of periods.
Southern California may have the best climate in the country, but in return for consistently fantastic weather, we have to deal with periodic wildfires. Most years, the biggest threat we face from these fires is the possible loss of electricity, gas, or water. During one firestorm, the conflagration threatened to cutoff our utility service. I sent Kellie to Costco to pick up some extra provisions just in case we found ourselves without power or water.
It’s a classic conundrum, almost a cliche; your wife ask’s, “Does this dress make my butt look fat?” How do you answer? You can only get trouble if she actually has a big butt. If her bum has not ballooned, there are plenty of easy escape routes, but no matter how she looks in the dress, the correct response to this inquiry is always, “No.”
As I mentioned last week in my Valentine’s Day Post, Kellie decided long ago that she would pick her own gifts when the occasion called for giving her a present. I’m not sure which of the gifts I gave her finally drove her to relieve me of my present purchasing powers. There are several possibilities: there was the gold dolphin bracelet, which I thought she would like; the bathtub massage mat, which she specifically requested, but then disavowed ever asking for it; and the LavNav, short for lavatory navigator, which I thought was the perfect gift every husband should give to his wife.
