Analyze This

Kellie had a dream.  She was walking through a hotel bar one afternoon when she noticed a man sitting on a barstool.  She could only see the back of his head, but there was something familiar about his coiffure that made her suspect that the gentleman could be Howard Stern.  As she approached, he turned around, confirming her suspicion.  “Hi, I think you know my husband,” said Kellie. 

There's Something About Kellie

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Money money money money, MONEY!

Money allows men you’d never expect to have access to very attractive women – just ask Larry King.  But money does not ensure that such a man will be able to keep a woman happy – just ask Larry King’s former wives.  Lack of money won’t necessarily kill a relationship, but it can add a level of stress that makes staying together challenging.  Whatever monetary resources a couple may possess, they need to have a similar outlook with respect to saving and spending.

An Apple A Day Makes Joe Insane

Somehow, Kellie and I can manage to lose synchronization on even the simplest communications.  A few weeks ago, while walking into the commissary at Camp Pendleton to pick up a few groceries, we were enumerating all the fruits and vegetables we already had on hand and identifying those items that we needed to restock.  I know that I clearly said that we did not need any apples because Kellie got just a little annoyed after I repeated myself for the third time.

Houston, We Have A Problem

I need some help.  I took my wedding ring off and put down somewhere; now, I can't find it.  How do I explain to Kellie, after she’s been gone for a week, that I’ve lost my wedding ring?  I’m sure it’s in the house and that it will turn up eventually, but if I can’t find it before she gets home tomorrow, I’ll have to tell her something.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  And it can’t be, “It fell off my finger while I was body surfing.”  I used that one already.

Coyotes

When Kellie is home, we frequently take our two small dogs, Maddie and Marley, both about 10 pounds, for long walks in the hills behind our housing development.  We stroll along the concrete gutters that run across the slopes to control rainwater runoff, while the dogs run free and explore the hills.  There are coyotes in area, that’s why we’re currently on cat number 17 or 18 (I lost count) but we don’t usually see or hear the coyotes during the daytime, and we’re usually not worried about the dog’s safety.

The Downside

Yesterday, I mentioned some the benefits of being home alone while Kellie takes a vacation without me.  But there are also some disadvantages:

• Kellie’s dogs will not use the doggie door I installed for their convenience if it’s raining outside; they are perfectly content to do their business on the living room floor when the weather is inclement. 

The Benefits of Sending Your Wife on a Cruise

Sub Captain's Stateroom

My seagoing days came to an end when I completed my tour as Commanding Officer of the USS OHIO (SSBN 726) (BLUE). Kellie was nervous: “What am I going do with you around here all the time?" she groaned. “I need to miss you once in a while.” Luckily, my subsequent shore assignments kept me traveling across the country and around the globe for over 20 weeks out of the year, giving Kellie a periodic respite from my constant presence and an extremely large horde of frequent flyer miles. 

Taking A Cruise To Prepare For The Cruise

Liza and Kellie, Feeling Fuzzy

Kellie prepares for a vacation the same way that a boxer trains for a championship fight: by scheduling a little tuneup action prior to the main event.  That’s why she’s currently underway on a week long Carnival Cruise to Mexico with our daughter, Kyra, in advance of our 34-day, Caribbean to Mediterranean holiday next month.  Kellie contends that she must acclimate to shipboard life again since she has not been aboard a cruise ship for almost three months now.

Sex or Alcohol

I was explaining the results of a recent scientific study to Kellie, hoping that the findings might persuade her to recognize the benefits of more frequent marital relations.  According to the online journal Science, male fruit flies that are denied the opportunity to mate will consume excessive alcohol.