Crimson Tide

“The three most powerful men in the world: the President of the United States of America; the President of the Russian Republic; and the Captain of a United States ballistic missile submarine.” – Crimson Tide

Ten years ago, I was the Captain of the USS OHIO, the lead ship of our country’s fleet of ballistic missile submarines. Commanding a nuclear powered submarine, armed with 24 intercontinental ballistic missiles, has a tendency to inflate one’s ego, but my wife, Kellie, was usually there, pin in hand, to burst my bubble.

Happy Memorial Day, To Me

Kellie has a long list of chores and other household duties she wants me to attend to today, but I objected. I reminded her that today is Memorial Day, and since I am a retired veteran, she should memorialize me.  “Don’t you have to be dead first?” she inquired. “That can be arranged if you don’t help out a little more around here.”

Man Rules

I didn't write these rules, but I wish I had. My college roommate Cedric sent them to me this morning, and since I had nothing else for today's post, I'm sharing them with you. What's interesting is that I've written about a number of these issues already, sometimes touching on several of the rules in a single post. I've added a few links to related posts. Enjoy.

The New Diet

Taking a vacation, and cruising in particular, can be detrimental to one’s physique. I didn’t do too badly on our last trip; I only gained four-tenths of a pound – each day – for 34 days – for a total weight gain of close to 14 pounds, with most of the damage occurring at my waistline. Kellie’s figure suffered a similar fate, and although the exact numbers remain classified, seeing exactly where she packed on the fat is no secret – most of it landed on her ass. We would love to take even longer vacations, but the risk of diabetes is too high. 

There's No Place Like Home

We arrived home from our 34-day vacation yesterday evening, shortly after eight o’clock. It didn’t take long to recognize that we were back in the real world. Our daughters forgot to open the doggie door, so our beloved pets presented us with welcome home gifts number one and number two right in the middle of our dining room floor. Our girls also left us a sink full of dishes. Plus, the garbage pails have been at the curb since at least Monday, and for all we know, the trash cans might have been on the street the entire month we were away.

How Long Will This Be Going On?

“Kellie, how long until you’ll be ready to go?” I inquired.

“I just have to brush my teeth, get dressed, and put on some makeup,” she replied.

I clenched my teeth and counted to ten.  I’ve lost count of the number times that I’ve asked Kellie a simple question, often requiring a minimal but meaningful answer, such as yes or no, or “I’ll be ready in five minutes, dear,” only to get some useless, non responsive reply that requires me to be clairvoyant to figure out what she’s trying to tell me. Even if I could see inside Kellie’s mind, I would never venture a look.  Who knows what could happen to me? Medusa might reside there.

Kellie gets a cruise ship for that?

Day three after my fall at the hot tub aboard the cruise ship, Adventure Of The Seas, my elbow and forearm are still swollen and tender. It could be just bruising or it could be an infection; the ship’s Columbian doctors are not sure yet. I’m hope that their training is as rigorous as in the United States. I’m guessing that even if it’s a little substandard, they can probably handle a few stitches and an infection. They have me taking antibiotics, which should keep the situation under control. Still, I’m a little worried.

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

I can tell that some people, such as my younger sister Dina, are a little envious about all the traveling Kellie and I do.  Dina tries valiantly to mask her emotions, but my sister’s words betray her true feelings. I can’t tell you exactly what she said since those of you who are not acclimated to the idiosyncrasies of her speech might misinterpret her meaning.  For instance, when she says, “f#ck off and get a job,” that’s actually a sibling term of endearment in Dina speak.

I'm not negative, I just like to plan for contingencies.

Kellie is always complaining that I’m too negative; I don’t agree.  It’s just that after almost 30 years in the navy, I’ve been conditioned to consider everything that can possibly go wrong in any situation and then prepare a plan for every contingency.  So, when Kellie wanted to hike to the bottom of the gorge in Ronda, Spain, today, I suggested that conditions might not be favorable for that sort trek, considering the increased probability for mudslides and flash floods due to the rain, not to mention the general discomfort that comes with being cold, wet, and irritated. Kellie wouldn’t listen to any of it, we were going hiking.

Baby You Can Drive My Car

Kellie is not timid behind the wheel, as evidenced by the number of times she receives the middle finger salute while driving. She will go the wrong way down a one-way street if it is quicker; for her, stop signs are merely suggestions, and to get ready for driving in places where they drive on the left, Kellie will practice by driving on the wrong side of the street at home, which explains a good number of the special hand gestures just mentioned. She can also whip around blind corners on the precarious cliff roads of Italy’s Amalfi Coast without careening to her death, but if you ask her to drive through the narrow, building lined streets of an old European City, she turns into a quivering bowl of jello.