Kellie Speaks

I’ve been begging my wife to write a post for the blog, but she always say no. Yesterday she had to write a few paragraphs for a contest to win a travel book; I snagged it for today’s post. 

Crap, I just turned 49, and I am stinging from the realization that 50 is now less than a year away. Fifty years-old, what does that even mean? Am I really going to be half a century old?  Have the best years of my life already passed along with my youth, or will the knowledge and experience that come with age make the next 50 years even better?

Lessons From A Drag Club

Kellie is the one
in the middle. 

I got stuck with designated driver duty for Kellie’s birthday party at Lips, San Diego’s ultimate nightclub for some good old-fashioned drag queen fun. It’s not as enjoyable if you're sober, but it’s much more educational, and I learned a few new things about drag culture and lifestyle.

If you are male and homophobic, try to

Birthday Week, Are You Kidding Me?

Today is the official kickoff of Kellie’s birthday week. It seems that one day of celebrating isn’t sufficient for the queen. Is this normal? Do all wives get a birthday week, or have I been brainwashed? 

Crimson Tide

“The three most powerful men in the world: the President of the United States of America; the President of the Russian Republic; and the Captain of a United States ballistic missile submarine.” – Crimson Tide

Ten years ago, I was the Captain of the USS OHIO, the lead ship of our country’s fleet of ballistic missile submarines. Commanding a nuclear powered submarine, armed with 24 intercontinental ballistic missiles, has a tendency to inflate one’s ego, but my wife, Kellie, was usually there, pin in hand, to burst my bubble.

Happy Memorial Day, To Me

Kellie has a long list of chores and other household duties she wants me to attend to today, but I objected. I reminded her that today is Memorial Day, and since I am a retired veteran, she should memorialize me.  “Don’t you have to be dead first?” she inquired. “That can be arranged if you don’t help out a little more around here.”

Man Rules

I didn't write these rules, but I wish I had. My college roommate Cedric sent them to me this morning, and since I had nothing else for today's post, I'm sharing them with you. What's interesting is that I've written about a number of these issues already, sometimes touching on several of the rules in a single post. I've added a few links to related posts. Enjoy.

The New Diet

Taking a vacation, and cruising in particular, can be detrimental to one’s physique. I didn’t do too badly on our last trip; I only gained four-tenths of a pound – each day – for 34 days – for a total weight gain of close to 14 pounds, with most of the damage occurring at my waistline. Kellie’s figure suffered a similar fate, and although the exact numbers remain classified, seeing exactly where she packed on the fat is no secret – most of it landed on her ass. We would love to take even longer vacations, but the risk of diabetes is too high. 

There's No Place Like Home

We arrived home from our 34-day vacation yesterday evening, shortly after eight o’clock. It didn’t take long to recognize that we were back in the real world. Our daughters forgot to open the doggie door, so our beloved pets presented us with welcome home gifts number one and number two right in the middle of our dining room floor. Our girls also left us a sink full of dishes. Plus, the garbage pails have been at the curb since at least Monday, and for all we know, the trash cans might have been on the street the entire month we were away.

How Long Will This Be Going On?

“Kellie, how long until you’ll be ready to go?” I inquired.

“I just have to brush my teeth, get dressed, and put on some makeup,” she replied.

I clenched my teeth and counted to ten.  I’ve lost count of the number times that I’ve asked Kellie a simple question, often requiring a minimal but meaningful answer, such as yes or no, or “I’ll be ready in five minutes, dear,” only to get some useless, non responsive reply that requires me to be clairvoyant to figure out what she’s trying to tell me. Even if I could see inside Kellie’s mind, I would never venture a look.  Who knows what could happen to me? Medusa might reside there.

Kellie gets a cruise ship for that?

Day three after my fall at the hot tub aboard the cruise ship, Adventure Of The Seas, my elbow and forearm are still swollen and tender. It could be just bruising or it could be an infection; the ship’s Columbian doctors are not sure yet. I’m hope that their training is as rigorous as in the United States. I’m guessing that even if it’s a little substandard, they can probably handle a few stitches and an infection. They have me taking antibiotics, which should keep the situation under control. Still, I’m a little worried.