Home Invasion

I hate it when I hear strange noises in the middle of night. As the man of the house I’m obligated to investigate. The clanging in my kitchen at zero-dark-thirty didn’t sound like one of my teenagers foraging for food, but someone was definitely looking for some grub. Needing a weapon, I picked up my 24-inch Stiff Stick (it’s a massage device, pervert) and headed downstairs. My approach was intentionally unstealthy, but my stomping did little to scare off the intruders. I raised my Stiff Stick and turned on the light expecting to find the Hamburglar rummaging through my refrigerator for ground beef. That’s not what I encountered. I lowered my Stiff-Stick and stood there speechless and staring, unable to comprehend and process what I was seeing. 

A Child Is Born

It was midnight when the phone rang. The doctor wanted permission to perform an emergency Caesarean section. “Your wife’s condition is extremely serious. Her kidneys are failing; her liver is failing, and her blood pressure is 210 over 180. We had to medicate her to prevent a stroke. She’s not sufficiently coherent to grant consent for the procedure. The baby has to come out, now.”

The Secret To Having More Sex (With Your Wife)

There's an old joke that goes like this: “How do you stop a girl from having sex.” When telling the joke, you usually pick a descriptive modifier and insert it in front of the word girl to single out the particular ethnic group, religion, or subculture for which you want to display your gross insensitivity.  Also, a graphic expletive typically replaces the word sex, preferably something with a hard “k” sound. It's a well known comedic fact that the “k” sound is naturally funny. That’s why Kellie calls me a dick head instead of a penis cranium.  Although, based upon the principle just stated, penis cranium should be funny too, and dick cranium should be even funnier, but neither phrase rolls off the tongue very well. Interestingly enough, if you say the words dick cranium quickly, it sounds like it could be the name for some rare radioactive element.  But I digress.  Anyway, the joke is a very customizable little gag. The punch line, as many men already know, is: “You marry her.” The humor comes from its near universal truth.

Kellie Speaks

I’ve been begging my wife to write a post for the blog, but she always say no. Yesterday she had to write a few paragraphs for a contest to win a travel book; I snagged it for today’s post. 

Crap, I just turned 49, and I am stinging from the realization that 50 is now less than a year away. Fifty years-old, what does that even mean? Am I really going to be half a century old?  Have the best years of my life already passed along with my youth, or will the knowledge and experience that come with age make the next 50 years even better?

Lessons From A Drag Club

Kellie is the one
in the middle. 

I got stuck with designated driver duty for Kellie’s birthday party at Lips, San Diego’s ultimate nightclub for some good old-fashioned drag queen fun. It’s not as enjoyable if you're sober, but it’s much more educational, and I learned a few new things about drag culture and lifestyle.

If you are male and homophobic, try to

Birthday Week, Are You Kidding Me?

Today is the official kickoff of Kellie’s birthday week. It seems that one day of celebrating isn’t sufficient for the queen. Is this normal? Do all wives get a birthday week, or have I been brainwashed? 

Crimson Tide

“The three most powerful men in the world: the President of the United States of America; the President of the Russian Republic; and the Captain of a United States ballistic missile submarine.” – Crimson Tide

Ten years ago, I was the Captain of the USS OHIO, the lead ship of our country’s fleet of ballistic missile submarines. Commanding a nuclear powered submarine, armed with 24 intercontinental ballistic missiles, has a tendency to inflate one’s ego, but my wife, Kellie, was usually there, pin in hand, to burst my bubble.

Happy Memorial Day, To Me

Kellie has a long list of chores and other household duties she wants me to attend to today, but I objected. I reminded her that today is Memorial Day, and since I am a retired veteran, she should memorialize me.  “Don’t you have to be dead first?” she inquired. “That can be arranged if you don’t help out a little more around here.”

Man Rules

I didn't write these rules, but I wish I had. My college roommate Cedric sent them to me this morning, and since I had nothing else for today's post, I'm sharing them with you. What's interesting is that I've written about a number of these issues already, sometimes touching on several of the rules in a single post. I've added a few links to related posts. Enjoy.

The New Diet

Taking a vacation, and cruising in particular, can be detrimental to one’s physique. I didn’t do too badly on our last trip; I only gained four-tenths of a pound – each day – for 34 days – for a total weight gain of close to 14 pounds, with most of the damage occurring at my waistline. Kellie’s figure suffered a similar fate, and although the exact numbers remain classified, seeing exactly where she packed on the fat is no secret – most of it landed on her ass. We would love to take even longer vacations, but the risk of diabetes is too high.