Indecision Kills

I was doing speed limit, 35 MPH, which seemed to be the common practice in Alaska, unlike back home in California where you're a traffic hazard if you move at anything less than 80 MPH, when a Mr. Squirrel darted out into the road.

Vacation Education

Contrary to what you may believe, it's not easy to vacation as often as Kellie and I do, and without a sufficient math, science and engineering background, traveling can be fraught with peril. You might think that Kellie would defer to my superior intellect and education to help keep us out of trouble while skipping around the globe, but that's not how things work in Kellie's World.

I'm Back

No, I have not forgotten about my blog, and yes I will post a typical Kellie's World piece again soon (I'm working on something right now). In the mean time, I have to tell you how upset I am that my post on Johnny Depp has jumped to the top of the list of my most popular posts. It's not even a good post; it's just the subject matter that's making it pop on Google searches. I'm tempted to delete it. 

Death By Marriage

Today's guest post is an excerpt from blogger and author Scott Bartlett's new novel Royal Flush. In this vignette, the Wisest King Alive is getting ready for his wedding ceremony. I think the same man presided over my nuptials.

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The Wisest King Alive buttoned his tuxedo lethargically. His beard flowed absurdly over the front.

“Tuck it back like this,” Eliza suggested. She had been fussing with his facial hair for the past hour.

Whose bag is this?

Photo Credit

Why am I the one who has to carry the marital aid through airport security? I’m not the one who needs it. Hell, I don’t even need Kellie’s company on my own personal pleasure journey. I’m perfectly capable of handling my own travel arrangements, and when I travel alone, I can arrive anytime I please, though I do prefer it when Kellie gives me a ride. 

On more than a few occasions, the TSA agent has spotted something suspicious in my luggage, triggering a public search of my carryon bag. I think they do it for the entertainment value. You can’t tell me that they don’t x-ray at least a thousand pocket rockets a day. Security agents know exactly what things look like and they are not dangerous unless you encounter severe turbulence and accidentally poke someone’s eye out. They just want to watch you cringe when they waive the damn thing around. Kellie could have purchased a nondescript beige appliance, but no, she had to choose the flaming red model with a cubic zirconia encrusted periphery that dazzles the eye and makes everyone’s head swivel trying to locate the source of brilliantly flashing light.

Beyond my periodic tuneup, we’ve set some ambitious goals for our Alaskan cruise. On those days when we don’t leave the ship for an excursion, we'll be doing morning and afternoon workouts; there will be no pigging-out at the buffet trough, and we’ll both be doing some reading. I’ve selected three light pieces for myself: the August edition of Foreign Affairs, The Submerged State: How Invisible Government Policies Undermine American Democracy, and Why Does the World Exist?: An Existential Detective Story. Kellie didn’t bring any books so I’ve made a selection for her, something a little deeper than pulp I’ve chosen for myself. She’ll be reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

I downloaded the entire trilogy for her a few weeks ago after her friend Melissa sent her a text about the book. Melissa was so captivated by the story that she sat in bed reading till almost two in the morning. After finally putting the book down, she jerked her husband up for a little late night literary romp. David welcomed his wife’s new nocturnal energy and enthusiasm, but the benefit was short lived. Melissa finished the entire trilogy in less than a week. Luckily for me, Kellie is a slow reader. 
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Another post for the dudes at Dude Write.

Divorce

 Sharks Cove on Oahu
courtesy of TripAdvisor

You wouldn’t have known it by looking at me, but I was miserable. Instead of going home to my wife and children after a day of working on the ship, I spent a couple of hours at the gym to avoid returning to my empty apartment. Each night I'd drink a bottle of wine and numb myself to sleep. In the morning I would wake up and repeat the same lonely routine all over again. Eight months had passed since I separated from my wife. Tomorrow I would be appearing before the family court judge for the last time. My divorce would be final, dropping a painful milestone on an unhappy period in my life. Rather than picking up the bottle again, I grabbed a towel and headed down to the hot tub.

Road Rage

Source

Yesterday I had the pleasure of driving 733 miles from Park City, UT, to my home in Oceanside, CA. Many of you were on the road with me and some of you really pissed me off. If I were six inches taller I’d drag you from your pickup truck and whack you in the head with the wrist brace protecting my arthritic right hand. I don’t know what candy store issued your drivers license but some of you need a little refresher course on the rules of the road.

Turn The Ship Around

There are occasions when I’m not in a very good mood and I just may be a bit negative. Kellie might say that the occasions when I’m not negative are as infrequent as Haley’s Comet – that’s if she had any clue about astronomy. But Kellie has a remedy for adjusting my emotional state, she calls it smile therapy. She insists that I grin for 30 seconds, and before 30 seconds can pass, I’m laughing, and the bad mood and contrary attitude have evaporated. Kellie intuitively understands that you cannot not maintain a negative attitude or foul mood while behaving in a joyful manner.

You Should Have Known Better

You know, I don’t write these posts for my own benefit. There’s valuable information here that could save you from considerable misery and hardship. For example, if you want to know how to avoid maiming your genitals, checkout The Serrano Pepper Incident. If you think your wife may be trying to kill you, read A Series Of Unfortunate Events. Or, if you can’t understand why your husband never seems to listen to you, then remediate your science knowledge by studying Evolution: Why Men Don't Listen. 

With all the lessons I’ve shared with the blogosphere, you might think that my own wife would actually learn something from me, but sadly she as not. It seems that she failed to gain a thing from Read The Label, Obey The Label, which clearly explains the hazards of confusing sleeping pills with laxatives.  Like me, Kellie sometimes suffers from a little congestion while traveling, so before our six hour hike up and down the Virgin River in Utah’s Zion National Park, she decided to take a stool softener to help ease things along. Instead, she accidentally took a sleeping pill.

Don’t make the same mistake Kellie made; keep reading Living in Kellie’s World and take these lessons seriously.

Doing It With Regularity

Kellie and my oldest daughter both vetoed this post when I first wrote it about a year ago, so it went unpublished. It may be Kellie's World, but it's Joe's Blog, and I'm posting it. I know full well there's a price to be paid for such brash independence.