Geography With Kellie

Relaxing on a sixth floor balcony of a beachfront vacation apartment in Carnet-Plage, France, Kellie asked if we were looking at the Atlantic or the Pacific Ocean. Dumbfounded, it took me a moment before I responded to her question.

"It's the Mediterranean, my dear."

Kellie claims that traveling is the only way she can learn geography. There has to be a less expensive way to receive an ineffective education.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

We know why she's smiling.

Next time you nuzzle up to your wife or girlfriend and she tells you that she's not in the mood, you can be confident of one thing—she's lying. Oh she's definitely horny, or she could be rather quickly. How do I know this? Thanks to groundbreaking research by sexologist Meredith Chivers, we now know that female sexual arousal can be achieved in under two minutes. Amazing, it takes me longer than that just find the vibrator.

The Real Problem With Marriage Equality

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I could feel the bile creeping up the back of my throat as I realized that Pat Robertson was right. Same-sex marriage will destroy the traditional family and lead to the disintegration of civilization, but not for the fellatious reasons he typically tries to ram down our throats. Homosexuality won't lead to polygamy, bestiality or pedophilia; it won't cause birth rates to plummet and populations to collapse, and I doubt that fire and sulfur will rain from the heavens and destroy us in a Sodom apocalypse. The real path to our demise is much more insidious.

A Vision Of Love

Kellie stepped out of the shower. I examined her naked body, smiled, and was about to pay her compliment when she cut me off.

"You want some of this, don't you?" she said as she slid her hands along the sides of her torso and wiggled her hips. "But you're not getting any today because it's my birthday, not yours." 

Take Two Of These And Call Me Johnny Depp

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When Kellie and I first met, I barely needed the fingers on one hand to count the days between conjugal visits. I still use my hands to mark the time between copulations but in a totally different way. There’s an old joke that I’m sure you’ve heard. How do you stop a woman from having sex? You marry her. Scientists have long known the cause of this problem, it’s called H.S.D.D., or hypoactive sexual-desire disorder, and the pharmaceutical industry, which has been working feverishly to rid the globe of this scourge, may soon market a magic pill that accomplishes for women what Viagra has done for men. Fifty years from now, the Rolling Stones song Mother's Little Helper will have a totally different meaning.

Women Are Like Cars

Hey friends, it's been a busy few days and with Kellie and I leaving for Alaska in a few hours I'm not sure if I'll publish much next week. I decided to rerun one of my favorite posts, it was originally published in January 2012. 
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www.fhm.com

Last Friday night, we attended a birthday party for our friend CJ, a young Marine who recently returned from Afghanistan. I whispered to Kellie, “You know, I think we’re the oldest couple here.” The youngest couple at the party, Rick and Lindsay, both in their twenties, were recently engaged.  Having been married twice, once successfully, I felt that Rick might benefit from the wisdom of my years. I told him getting married was just like buying a car.

Sexiest Nationalities

“Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?” If you’re a typical American female, you’re likely to answer yes to those questions from Austin Powers, at least according to a recent online survey that asked American men and women which nationalities were sexiest. U.S. females put Brits and Irishmen at the top their lists, while males preferred Latino women. I started thinking about how my preferences, as well as Kellie's, matched those in the study.

The Malevolent Machine

The Face of Evil

Unlike most other clothes dryers, which are little more than highly evolved, sock eating Venus Flytraps, my dryer is a conscious, sentient organism. It knows I'm an empiricist and it likes to amuse itself by fucking with my ability to perform inductive reasoning.

Double Vision

I called central appointments hoping to see my doctor that afternoon, but after I told the nurse my symptoms she sent me straight to the hospital. It would not be an understatement if I said Kellie was very concerned about my condition – it would be a misstatement. This wasn't the first or second or even the tenth time she's had to drive me to the emergency room. She was more annoyed than worried.

Losing My Religion

Conflicted

I remember looking up at the big, round stained glass window on the back wall of Saint Rose of Lima. I remember looking down at the clear oak pews. I watched as the priest, standing on marble, held a golden goblet above his head. I watched as adults dropped bills and coins into the collection plate. Something didn't make sense. God didn't need gold chalices or marble alters, but the hungry needed food and the threadbare needed clothing. I couldn't understand why our congregation would spend money on a house of worship while people suffered. It was inconsistent with what I had learned during Saturday catechism class. With only two weeks to go before my Confirmation, I had my doubts. I also had to make a decision.