Binge, Distracted By Breasts

I’ve gone off on a binge, a reading binge, which has effectively starved me of any time for writing. It started when I offered to do some research on Daniel Kahneman’s and Amos Tversky’s prospect theory for my friend David Marquet, a retired submarine captain and author of the book Turn The Ship Around. When I discovered that I had online access to academic journals using Kellie’s community college account, I spent days looking up and reading all manner of papers related to the theory because that’s what we obsessive-compulsive types do when we fixate on something. Subsequently, I decided it would be worth reading Kahneman’s book Thinking, Fast and Slow. This forced me to put aside the other two books I was reading, Jared Diamond’s The World Until Yesterday:What Can We Learn from Traditional Societies? and E.F. Schumacher’s Small Is Beautiful: Economics as if People Mattered. 

Foot Orgasm - A Dutch Treat

Photo Credit: Philip Leara

By now I probably have the husbands out there thoroughly confused. First I said that doing housework was the key to getting more sex, and then I said that doing less housework was the way to go. From the feedback I've received it's obvious that neither strategy is particularly effective, which begs the question: Is there any sure fire way for a husband to put his wife in the mood? Fortunately, there is one aphrodisiac that never fails. It's called a cruise ship. There's something about undulating on the high seas that brings out a woman's inner Jenna Jameson. That's why in less than two weeks Kellie and I will be departing for our sixth cruise this year. 

Less Housework, More Sex

Al Bundy, enticing his wife.

I never intended to mislead my readers, but apparently that's what I've done. In a previous post, The Secret To Having More Sex (With Your Wife), I told my fellow husbands that doing more housework would lead to more sex. It seems I was wrong – oops, sorry – but it wasn’t my fault. I was a victim of the self-serving, feminist propaganda machine that controls every major network and cable news outlet, all of whom ran stories claiming that the reward for helping with chores was more sex. Internet sites helped spread the lie too. The Huffington Post ran Why Housework Will Get You Some, and the communist website China Daily pressed their massive misinformation machine into service by publishing Men who do housework may get more sex.

Turn the Damn Lights Off

When I was a kid my father would yell at me and my siblings for leaving lights on everywhere.  We never appreciated why he got so annoyed. "When you pay the electric bill, then you'll understand," he'd bark in frustration. As with most things, dad was right. Now I'm the ranting father, chasing my kids and complaining about finding lights on in empty rooms. I know the situation is hopeless because teenagers have a congenital defect that  renders them incapable of turning off lights.

The True Cause of Global Warming

Since the mid 19th century, the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere has risen by 0.8 ^oC, with most of the temperature rise occurring in the last 30 years. The global warming environazis want us to believe that man’s industrial activities are the cause, but a relatively straightforward calculation proves that men are blameless. Full responsibility for an overheating globe lies squarely in the failing wombs of menopausal women.

The Menopause Bomb

Credit: James Cridland

Over the past few weeks, one of my older posts, The Thermodynamics of Menopause, has been getting flooded with hits from the Ukraine. That post explained how my wife’s 35,000 hot flashes released energy equivalent to 4,809 sticks of dynamite. There’s only two possible explanations for the sudden Ukrainian interest in Kellie’s World: They're either having a global warming induced menopause crisis and they’re looking for expert help, or terrorists working out of the former Soviet Republic are trying to weaponize menopausal women. I hope that I wasn’t the cause of those recent terror warnings that lead to the closure of several U.S. Embassies across the Middle East.

BREAKING NEWS: Candidate Says He's Not A Weiner

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NEW YORK–In an effort to head off yet another scandal, Anthony Weiner, the disgraced politician who thrust himself into the political orgy otherwise known as New York City’s mayoral race, held a press conference today outside The Pleasure Chest in West Village.

Six Degrees of Senator Al Franken

Al Franken

I scanned the bookshelves in Annemiek's Paris apartment. No, I'm not cheating on Kellie. Annemiek is the French woman we exchanged homes with. She's currently in our house in Oceanside, California, critiquing the books in my library, no doubt. I wanted something to read, preferably in English, or with pictures, since I don't understand French. I couldn't find anything interesting so selected Al Franken's book Liars: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, one of three books in her collection by Franken. I was a little curious about Annemiek's Franken fetish. Why would a French woman be interested in an obscure American comedian turned senator of an even more obscure state? (I believe Minnesota is a state and not a Canadian Provence.) Franken is a liberal, and the French are almost communists. Liberals and communists are essentially the same thing, at least according to Rush Limbaugh, which might explain her fascination with the senator.

That's when the wet T-Shirt contest began.

The only picture Kellie will allow.

We stood in line for three hours to get into the catacombs hidden below Paris. For the first two hours we broiled beneath an unrelenting sun, feeling and smelling like stale bread plucked from a fondue pot. The next half-hour brought relief as thickening clouds and a quickening wind interrupted the heat wave that had suffocated Paris for days. Then, in the final half-hour, the sky split open like a ruptured waterbed mattress. That's when the wet T-shirt contest began.

The French Condition

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The French are a morose people, and I'm not the only one to make this assessment. Roger Cohen recently wrote about France's Glorious Malaise in the New York Times. Cohen thinks that the French temperament reflects a fatalistic realism. I don't think it's necessary to get quite so philosophical to explain the French condition. They simply haven't mastered some of life's basic routines.

The problem starts with a horrible night’s sleep. I’ve been to France multiple times, slept in many hotels and few French homes, and I’ve yet to find a comfortable bed. In France, any rectangular object with a sheet qualifies as a mattress. I'm staying in a Paris apartment right now where my bed is a pair of wooden shipping pallets.