An Introspection

We’ve all noticed it.  As we age, the passage of time seems to speed up, as if in a hurry to bring us to the end of our journey.  It’s just a mirage.  The passage of time later in life is no swifter than the day we were born.

Those Damn BOD Man Commercials

Women have lived with the problem for years: television, Internet, and print ads that set a standard for beauty that is unattainable by most mortal females.  Lately, I have become a bit more empathetic about their predicament.  I’ve begun to notice Kellie fixating on the commercials for BOD Man body spray featuring young men with impossibly perfect physiques.

Joe Hits The Trifecta

How to determine if Kellie is asleep.

Last night, Kellie and I were sitting in bed; I was watching a rerun of The Daily Show while she played Zombie Farm on her iPad.  Aasif Mandvi, The Daily Show’s correspondent, was conducting an investigative report on the iPad app TapFish, a free game available from the App Store.  Gameview Studios, the creator of TapFish, generates revenue when players waste real money buying make believe products for the game.

Kellie wants to have a three-way.

Kellie surprised me this morning; she told me that she wanted to have a three-way.  She said that over the last few weeks she has been searching the Internet looking for willing partners.  Now that it appears as though she may have a tentative arrangement, she wanted to know if I would be willing to participate, if not, she said she would do it without me.

All I want for Christmas

This morning, Kellie and I were discussing what to get each other for Christmas.  Since we just went on a cruise, we decided that we would just fill each other’s stockings with small, inexpensive gifts this year.  Kellie asked for a coupon allowing her to control the temperature in our home.  I said, “No.”  (I’ll elaborate on our temperature wars in a future post.)  Instead, I suggested a coupon for unlimited Joey love.  She declined, smugly claiming that she could get that anytime she wanted without a coupon. Kellie even declared that she could probably make me pay her for that gift.  I guess I’m not going to be stuffing her stocking this year.

Not My Most Manly Moment

While we were in Saint Lucia, Kellie signed me up for something called the Treetop Challenge: a little adventure that consists of 11 high wire elements, some as much as 65 feet above the forest floor.  While I have no problem diving hundreds of feet below the ocean surface in a nuclear powered submarine carrying multiple intercontinental ballistic missiles, walking on a wire strung between two trees in the canopy of a tropical rainforest scares the crap out of me.

Kellie does a backflip with a Pirate.

We’re in Aruba today.  This morning we took a short snorkeling excursion on a small pirate boat.  After we finished swimming two shipwrecks and a small reef, it was time to swing from the yardarms.  One of the boat’s crewmembers had some of the smaller women cling onto his back while he swung out over the water and executed a backflip.  Kellie looks stunning in her bikini, but she is not exactly petite.  She wanted to do a backflip too and asked if she was too big.  The young crewman looked at her, flexed his bicep, grabbed some sand to improve his grip, and motioned for Kellie to hop up on his back.  Here’s the video:

Sorry, nothing has gone wrong yet.

After last year’s misadventures in France, I thought that taking a cruise would provide some fresh mishaps for my blog.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your point of view) things have gone pretty smoothly so far, leaving me with little to write about.  But with another week at sea I’m not giving up hope just yet.

"What's in a name?"

For some reason, I am not allowed to hold the passports or the money while on vacation.  Even though my wife has all the travel funds, I discovered that it is still inappropriate to refer to her as a cash cow.  (It is generally a good idea to avoid the word cow altogether when describing one's significant other.)  Other phrases to avoid include: loot lady, moolah mama, dough girl, wampum wench, and boobie stash (I have more but they're bit too crass).  Anyway, the proper title is Cash Queen.