Be Careful About What You Post On Facebook

When I’m not working, Kellie complains about the loss of income.  When I am working, she complains about my schedule interfering with her travel plans.  To remedy the situation, Kellie recommended that I get a job that not only pays well, but also allows me to deliver my services from any location. Regrettably, I'm not properly equipped to be the next Deuce Bigalow. 

I Had a Plan

I always insist on having a plan, but my senior year of college was half over and I still had no idea how to pay for law school. Sitting in my mother’s house during winter recess, I wondered if the armed forces might have a program that would fund my education. So I spent a day visiting the local recruiting offices near my home in Massapequa, NY.  The Navy recruiting office was my last stop, but like the other service branches, they had no need for lawyers. They were looking for warriors. As I was walking out the door the recruiter asked, “Hey, what’s you major?”

“Physics and philosophy,” I replied.

“Come back here and let me tell you about our nuclear power program.”

Evolution: The Visual Ape

Men are visual creatures. When a woman enters a man’s visual field, electrical signals flood the optic nerves, lighting up synapses throughout the cerebral cortex, triggering the neck to rotate so that the eyes can lock on and commence tracking. The behavior is pure reflex, an involuntary muscle reaction, like breathing, over which men have almost no control. Most women tolerate this reaction from their men, not because they believe the common refrain that it’s okay to look but not to touch, but because they have come to realize that there is no hope of altering this behavior. Performing the movement is not without risk to the male, either from the swift backhand of a not so understanding mate, or from the serious internal injuries that can result from frequent and violent twisting of the head and neck. As my x-rays reveal, severe cases will require extensive surgery. 

My Secret Fantasy

I harbor a secret fantasy, but indulging it poses a serious risk to my marriage. Many men, I’m sure, face a similar dilemma, a longing to taste the forbidden fruit that brings only fleeting ecstasy and, yet, ultimately yields unending grief. Too much mental energy is wasted imagining the impossible. Too many nights I awaken in a cold sweat, unable to release the obsession that steals my sleep. Too may days are lost to wasted daydreams, contemplating how to transform my phantasmagoria into reality. Unless Kellie is willing to grant me one dispensation, I am destined to perish with this urgent desire left unsatisfied. She could let me fulfill my wildest fantasy. All she has to do is let me win just one damn argument.

Meno-Poise

Joan of Arc had it easy, they only burned her once.  Kellie, on the other hand, has been repeatedly tortured by hot flashes for more than two years, and there’s no sign that her inferno will extinguish anytime soon. There seemed to be nothing that I could do to help until I noticed a TV commercial for a new line of menopause products from Kimberly-Clark: Poise Roll-On Gel, Poise Body Cooling Towelettes, and Poise Personal Lubricant. I wanted to relay my discovery to Kellie, but she’s not usually receptive to my advice and suggestions, especially regarding feminine hygiene products, so I decided to test these latest innovations in menopause cooling technology myself.

Inside Cabin

I was flying to New York on Delta Airlines, flipping through Sky Mall magazine because my MacBook, iPad, and iPhone all had to be powered down for take off, when I came across an ad for Sea Shield,^TM a great new product for waterproofing all your Apple toys. It was exactly what I needed. Then I saw the price, $39.98 for a what was essentially a Ziploc bag. I got angry because I realized that I can buy a box of 250 one-gallon double zipper Ziploc bags for only $39.98 – that’s 16 cents per bag. Even I can make money with a 250 percent markup.

Indecision Kills

I was doing speed limit, 35 MPH, which seemed to be the common practice in Alaska, unlike back home in California where you're a traffic hazard if you move at anything less than 80 MPH, when a Mr. Squirrel darted out into the road.

Vacation Education

Contrary to what you may believe, it's not easy to vacation as often as Kellie and I do, and without a sufficient math, science and engineering background, traveling can be fraught with peril. You might think that Kellie would defer to my superior intellect and education to help keep us out of trouble while skipping around the globe, but that's not how things work in Kellie's World.

I'm Back

No, I have not forgotten about my blog, and yes I will post a typical Kellie's World piece again soon (I'm working on something right now). In the mean time, I have to tell you how upset I am that my post on Johnny Depp has jumped to the top of the list of my most popular posts. It's not even a good post; it's just the subject matter that's making it pop on Google searches. I'm tempted to delete it. 

Death By Marriage

Today's guest post is an excerpt from blogger and author Scott Bartlett's new novel Royal Flush. In this vignette, the Wisest King Alive is getting ready for his wedding ceremony. I think the same man presided over my nuptials.

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The Wisest King Alive buttoned his tuxedo lethargically. His beard flowed absurdly over the front.

“Tuck it back like this,” Eliza suggested. She had been fussing with his facial hair for the past hour.